This Bitch I Call Anxiety: The Prologue

I am finally in a place where I can talk about my anxiety without actually getting anxiety. So serious, like five or six months ago, even the thought of thinking of it made my heart pound louder, my palms sweat and my brain get dizzy. Literally. But, here I am. I am healthier, happier and managing this Bitch I call Anxiety. This is my story.

WARNING: This Article May Be Too Much For Some Readers, This Is Raw, This is Real.

On January 28th, 2017 I had my first panic attack, well anxiety attack. I mean legs shaking, palms sweating, dizziness, heart pounding out of my chests, crying, not being able to catch my breath, that feeling in your throat where you wanna throw up but can't, yea that thing. The things I could do before, I couldn't do anymore.

I have always had some type of anxiety. I mean since I am getting personal here... I had a shitty childhood, and I apologize to anyone this offends but this is my life, my opinions and my view on my life.

When I was eight years old I was molested. At this point this world is so fucked up that I almost feel like everyone has had some experience or knows someone who has been molested, raped or violated in some way, by some jerk.  It takes a toll on your life. I never thought that 20 years later I would still be afraid of the dark and have trust issues but... I guess shit happens. (Sean is in jail now and can no longer hurt me and I advise ANYONE that it is NEVER too late to come forward if you have EVER experienced anything).

Besides being molested, I had a brother killed in a fire when he was one years old. I had another brother die when my mother had a miscarriage. I moved around a lot. And I mean a fucking lot. Like I went to five schools by the end of high school and had lived in about eighteen different places. This is probably why I like change and constantly need something new or to rearrange something in my house.

But, I am getting off track.

Everyone goes through stuff but I feel like misery has followed me. My mother was always at work or school between the ages of nine and twelve, so I had to take care to my siblings, cooking dinner, helping with homework, cleaning up, giving them baths. I had four siblings, well, that I lived with. my stepfather and I never got along when I was younger, like I hated him. (we're good now but damn did we bump heads when I was younger).

I have never wondered why my brother has "bi-polar", "bi-polar mania", "aspberger" and "ADHD", it was forced upon him from being abused emotional and physically but, I'm no doctor. Because of his experiences with medication though, is a HUGE reason why I chose to manage my anxiety without medication. Period. But, I could only do so much to help him. I tried to run away once, that shit backfired.

I am not writing this by any means to trash anyone, I am writing my experiences to show people, parents, children, whomever, that this shit is real. Anxiety is no joke. Whatever you can do to prevent your children from having it or to help them get through it. I have anxiety because of how I grew up, how I was raised, where I was raised and the stress brought on to a child with no childhood and who grew up never getting over those experiences. I don't blame anyone for my anxiety, I blame the experiences that I was forced to have.

I always had my grandmother and my aunt to run to but it seems like older I got the more they pushed away from me. Even now, I don't think either of them understand my anxiety enough to get what I am really going through. It sucks but its life and as I always say, it is what it is. All I can do is forgive those who don't understand and just move on.

Growing up was rough. I got picked on a lot too. I went to an all black school and was picked on because I was white, had a big nose, had pimples, was too skinny, couldn't afford Jordan's and was called Garlic Bread because my last name was Garlock. FML. My brothers got made fun of too and beat up on the buses. It was hell, I was so glad to get out of that damn school. The only thing I ever like about that school was cheerleading and volleyball, but then I wasn't on the bus on the way home to protect my brothers. Oh look, more stress and anxiety just building up.

I finally moved again to a school I would stay at until graduation. Here, I was close to family and kids I grew up with but high school is high school. Although, I didn't go to a high school where we had ridiculous clicks and mean girls and crazy television shit going on, like people were nice to each other, not necessarily friends but nice. The emotional abuse at home just got worse. I hated being there. By the end of my senior year, I cut myself in order to get out, I was placed with my grandmother until graduation (two months later). More anxiety.

My junior year I met my high school boyfriend. Great. He was a jock, everyone liked him and he was nice. We are together on and off for like five years. Dumbest mistake of my life. Why no one said anything to me, like "Hey Jenna, break up with (we'll call him Byron)" or "Bitch, open your eyes!". Well, moral of the story, his family hated me because I was white, oh yea Byron was black, so my parents weren't approving either so we hid our relationship for like six months. I can't believe I lost my virginity to this doucebag. Anyways, he cheated on me, beat the shit out of me, emotionally kicked my ass and I could never trust him. My best friend, actually choked him when he went after me in front of her,  I started to fight back at this point. I was a mess of stress and you can only guess, Anxiety!

So as you can see between birth and the age of twenty one I was under an incredible amount of stress and pressure. Did I mention I was a full time student with sixteen credit hours and had two full time ops during all of this?

The amount of funerals I went to my first few years of college, amazed me. Family, friends a ton of people I knew and loved.  My junior year, I also lost my best to a drug overdose. I miss her so much everyday. My cousin actually passed away because of a "drug overdose" too and that took a huge toll on me, I was really close to her. MORE ANXIETY!

To have that much stress on your shoulders at such a young age is ridiculous. I never had a chance at a life without anxiety. I have been set up for failure since I was born. This isn't the whole story but this is the beginning and this is where my story started. The details of my life suck and I am really not out to get anyone or place blame. I am ready to share my story and my experiences and this is it, whether you like it or not. But don't worry, there is more to come. Just know that anxiety stems from somewhere and mine is mainly from feeling trapped and pressured and scared and alone.

There are warning signs. If your children are OCD, if they get irritated easily or they are too afraid to talk to you. If you noticed they have no friends and would rather stay at home in their room, open your damn eyes and get them into talking to someone. Waiting until anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks almost ruined my life entirely and I know for some it actually has. Anxiety can be crippling, life crippling.  Read about invisible illnesses, they are real and they are out there.

As hard as this story was for some to read, it was harder for me to write, and I graduated with a Masters in Journalism. This is my life. This is real. This is raw. This is the stuff people have bottled up and can't talk about. This is the dirty laundry, swept under the rug. This is how I got anxiety. At the end of the day, my goal is to help others, to tell my story and inspire others to tell theirs, or learn to deal with anxiety and thats what this series is about. I won't apologize anymore for my experiences, they are mine and everyone has their own.


Signed Opinionated Fashionista

{This Bitch I Call Anxiety: Happening Now will be posted soon!}

Comments

Greta Kovach said…
Nice job, proud of you.. Love you

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