This Bitch I Call Anxiety: The Unfortunate Events Of My Breakdown (Part 1)

This is part two of the three, now four, part post for This Bitch I Call Anxiety. In my first post, The Prologue, I gave you insight to my past and how my anxiety might have stemmed. In this post I have combined the unfortunate events leading up to my breaking point.

WARNING: THIS IS REAL. THIS IS RAW. THIS IS MY STORY. THIS MAY OFFEND SOME READERS. 

The year of my wedding. My anxiety breakdown began, more than likely, around March 2015. The months leading up to my wedding on October 24th, 2015 were rough. I had no help besides from my grandmother and every once and a while my bridesmaids, minus one who lived states away so I can't blame her even though she was the only one actually texting and calling about ideas. Thanks, girl. Anyways, planning a wedding is stressful as fuck, like my advice to anyone getting married is to do it at a courthouse and worry about the reception only. Even buying a wedding planning book wasn't much help with decision making and finances.

Like I said in my first post, my grandmother had been there for me most of my life and my wedding was one of those times. My grandma and papa basically paid for the entire wedding, well minus what Sergio and I paid, and her and I made all the decisions. We made this wedding happen, alone.

In the process of everything, I missed two periods and thought I was pregnant which caused a lot more stress and anxiety. I obviously was not pregnant and after seeing the doctor realized it was the stress. I had to chill the fuck out, but anyone with anxiety knows that this is not the case. So the wedding happened and it was beautiful, memorable and I still have people telling me they wish we could do it over again, but if they only knew.

Up until this time I had not been officially diagnosed with anxiety, and would not be for almost two more years.

You would think that the anxiety stopped there, but no. Two months later I found out that my best friend of 17 years had slept with my little brother the night of the wedding. Now some of you may think, "So, what?", well not me, we had been friends long enough to understand that siblings were off limits. Period. But they both got drunk, hooked up, and apparently continued it for a few weeks. So, to me, this wasn't a "Whoops! We can't ever do that again", this was a "Lets not tell Jenna about our relationship" thing.

Neither of them ever told me, my stepfather, of all people, told me. And this is something the whole damn family knew, well minus my sister! I gained mad respect for my stepfather that year and our relationship changed. So, naturally, I called them both up and my brother admitted it but my best friend tried to lie and that was the end of our friendship as we knew it. I didn't speak to my brother for 6 months and to my ex-best friend for close to a year, and things still aren't the same as the were.

As you can imagine, losing a best friend, especially of 17 years, can take a toll on your life. I had no one to turn to. It was me and my husband, and our 5 dogs.  I was heart broken and couldn't even call her to tell her about it.

The year 2016 started strong and then little things would happen here and there to stress me out. Well,  Sergio and I started trying to have a child and it just was not happening. Everywhere I turned everyone was getting pregnant, though. And it was people that I thought should NOT be having children. You know in that movie, Baby Mama, in the beginning where she sees babies, and pregnant people, and little families EVERYWHERE...that was ME. And it hurt. We wanted a child so bad and it wasn't happening. I went to the doctor and she basically told me it was the stress, and thats why I was having problems.

In the midst of all this, I had everyone asking, "When are you having a baby", "So and So is pregnant, its your turn", and people just don't get the pressure I felt and the heartbreak I had. If they had only known we WERE trying.

Well, 2016 continued on and so did I. The fall season came around and it was my last year of grad school so I had a ton of pressure and anxiety to complete my thesis in order to graduate that December. Not to mention, I was temporary store manager, while my store manager was on maternity leave, and training three managers in the process.

We also found out we had to move because the house we had lived in, and rented, for six years was infested with squirrels, mice and mold! We had finally had enough and moved. But, this was good stress, happy stress, but still stress from moving. We hadn't done that in six years!

That December I passed my Thesis, was able to graduate, had moved and was feeling good. Until I got word from my doctor that I had to have a LEAP procedure because I had abnormal cells in my cervix. Sergio and I decided to stop trying at this point until I was healthy and stress-free. It was heartbreaking.

I had so much stress and anxiety about this procedure and decided to do it without surgery and just in the office. My friend, Jess, and I got super personal in our relationship at this appointment. Awaiting my results was torture, but I got them and was cleared.

Christmas came and went, and it was New Years Eve. Jess was coming over for brunch with the kids and then....Sergio was in a car accident.

[This Bitch I Call Anxiety: The Unfortunate Events Of My Breakdown Part 2 will be posted soon]

Signed Opinionated Fashionista

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